How to Market Your Brand Successfully

Posted on: July 21, 2018, by :

Shakespeare wrote long ago: “A rose by any other name is still a pain to sit on.” Or words to that effect. And it’s the same today. No matter what kind of rose you are trying to sell the public, they will insist on sitting on it, hard, and complaining about the thorns, rather than showering you with plaudits and gold. There are several gambits, however, which you can use to turn your brand into a better mousetrap — the kind that people will beat a pathway to your door (or website) to purchase. These branding and marketing principles will never go out of style, just like Shakespeare’s rose:


Forget influencers

Nobody believes ‘influencers’ anymore. Their followers are all bots. So find a convenience store clerk instead, a real nobody, and have them mumble something unintelligible about your brand. That way at least you know his or her mother will buy it.


There’s only one keyword for SEO

And it’s “Sex.” So label your brand ‘sexy,’ ‘sexual,’ or even ‘sexagenarian.’ You’ll have more clicks and buys than you can shake a joystick at.


Use blockchain

Why? Because we say so, that’s why. Do we have to spell everything out for you, dummy? Just do it, already!


Get Trump to tweet about your brand

It’s not that hard to do — our Commander-in-Chief has wide-ranging interests, and no editor. So send him a sample of your brand (make sure it’s labeled “Made in America,” even if it isn’t!) and wait for him to tweet something about it. Then your brand will be analyzed to death by the New York Times and the Washington Post and everyone will buy it to either show support or to set it on fire.